because i am a phd student, i get to be many people's bitch. in my current bitch position i collect data on penis function and other tawdry things from old men who are about to get their buttholes irradiated. it's great! no no, it is actually horrible, particularly as i have to get here at 6am to talk to them about their penises. this morning i wound up in a waiting room with a bunch of people who were celebrating the end of this woman's breast cancer therapy - there were roses and smiles and tears (and, in my fantasy, there are also kittens). the computer i was using - naturally - broke, so i was freaking out trying to get it to work again before the next round of penis questions. the breast cancer patent's husband said "you having a hard time over there?" and i was like oh yes haha i am a moron, this computer is frustrating. and then he goes "well however hard that is it's not as hard as what SHE WENT THOUGH." like sure, point taken. having breast cancer sucks - but the fucking computer didn't work! no, actually it made me want to start crying.
then he asks me if i understand andriod phones and i was like why yes, do you want to talk about cell phones now? but instead he handed me his phone and forced me to take like one million pictures of his wife, which is fine, and i am happy for her. however: i am not the photographer. the computer is still broken. these self-absorbed cancer patients are getting in the way of my research!
because i am bored waiting for the next patient i will also take this opportunity to complain about how stupid people are to come from all over the country to get their cancer treatment here. it is a total waste of time and energy, and honestly it's sort of fucked up on the part of hopkins not to say to some patient who is going broke staying in baltimore hotel for six weeks during radiation "hey man, you could get this exact same treatment like five minutes from your house!" but no. this be hopkins. we have managed to convince ourselves and everyone else that we shit gold. or whatever people say is a good thing to shit.